By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
