There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
