there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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