pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
