There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
