no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You pole danced in your parka.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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