What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Found the puke drawer
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
