he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
