I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
