Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
