She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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