She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
