he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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