I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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