My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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