please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Randomize
