then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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