so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
