I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
