I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We were destined to go to rehab together
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
