i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
