My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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