I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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