If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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