i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
