i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
