ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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