You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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