OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
