don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
