Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
