I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
