Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
