the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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