Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
