So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
