she was so not down for the gang bang
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
