THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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