My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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