You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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