I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
