Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
