i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
