he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
