If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
