In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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