I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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