I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
