remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
