i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
