what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize