I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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