its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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