So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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