Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
