I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Text me some of your sweat
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