$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
