she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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