woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
